Not sure yet

Slippers my grandsons left behind.

Not long after my most recent post, I accidentally hit the create new post button. I titled it Not sure yet because of course there would be another post, written at a more opportune moment. In the middle of a family bash, most of my focus was on relatives and party details, and I can happily say the festivities were phenomenal! We haven't thrown a wing-ding like that in ages, nor at our still new-ish residence, which for many guests was their first time visiting. My husband certainly felt the love, many hands made for light work, and I got to play heaps of card games with the grandkids and others who appreciate Crazy 8's and Go Fish.

By eight p.m. last night however I was TOAST. Partying hard in one's late fifties is...hilarious, in that I required a cup of caffeinated tea at lunch yesterday and still went to be before eight thirty. While I slept well, I've been awake for, um, a good while, and despite the mostly clear sky, admiring the dark night wasn't what I felt like doing. Much to ponder, and maybe easier to write about it than mull it over too deeply in the dark. Last week sitting in the living room in the middle-ish of the night felt okay. Now I'm more comfortable with the admittedly obnoxious glow of my computer monitor, seated in my warm office chair, slowly easing the transition not only back to my usual routine, but of a new world order the party seemed to make disappear. For which I am exceedingly grateful, allowing my brain a few days to not think about what my country has done.

I'm not sure yet of many things. How long it will take my husband and me to get used to not wondering if guests will enjoy themselves and will there be enough food (everyone had a FABULOUS time and of course there was plenty to eat). Will it rain and make trekking about a slog (the weather was PERFECT on Saturday and Sunday, then an inch of rain fell Sunday night but by then it didn't matter). How long will it take me to get back on a normal sleeping schedule (I suppose it doesn't truly matter since I don't have to worry about entertaining anyone, although I don't want to drink more caffeine than is necessary). Will living in California act like a protective bubble, turning me inward to avoid the deplorable incoming political administration? Huh, no parenthesis's after that, only a question mark that makes me tuck the neckline of my robe closed as if to ward off an unfathomable chill. VERY LITTLE was spoken about the election over the weekend, which was a relief, but now it's a week later. A week ago my nation went off the rails, well, three weeks or maybe four, depending on how early states opened voting. Okay, truthfully (in my opinion) America lost its way when some number of people decided white skin is the only real American marker and women are only good for having babies and 1950s backward values are the new twenty-first century guidelines and screw everyone else.

How to balance that with celebrating one's spouse turning sixty was quite the conundrum. Which I solved by conveniently forgetting the election as though it never happened.

Honestly, it was all I could do. If I dwell too long on what occurred.... I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Defeated. Frustrated. Slightly curious, but I can't go there because pondering why so many of my fellow Americans are scared shiteless of a female person of colour as their leader is.... See above. Worse is wondering why they desire a racist misogynistic felon as their leader. I'm brought back to George Wallace's awful diatribe of "segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever" during his 1963 inaugural address as Alabama's governor. That is what the Republican Party wants, among other miserable policies: To divide citizens of this nation to maintain power as long as possible.

The bash for my husband was the exact opposite. The election wasn't mentioned not merely because everyone we welcomed shared our views, but because in polite company religion and politics aren't fit topics for discussion. That used to be the case, people respecting each other's views on what are at times deeply felt and occasionally cantankerous subjects. This blog is usually about writing fiction and sewing quilts. And soon those pastimes will again be the mainstay. But I need to say these things, especially after days of keeping my mouth shut, although honestly I really was too happy/busy/tired to concern myself with anything else. We didn't plan the party to coincide with election results, only the date of my husband's birth the deciding factor. And now with a modicum of that fog lifted, my head and heart inhale the extremely early repercussions of a choice thrust upon this nation by those willing to turn blind eyes to truth, justice, and the actual American way.

I'm still not sure what this means. And I won't know for months, once President-Elect Wallace has been put into office. Yet I am not frightened, as I remain shielded not by where I live or the colour of my skin. I am bolstered by the impenetrable grace of Love, the spirit of Truth, the fortification of Light that no one can dim. My faith in Christ staves off the utter desolation enacted on my country, despite the darkness wishing otherwise. In whatever manner I feel led to follow, I will spread Love, Truth, and Light, for as Dietrich Bonhoeffer said: It may be that the day of judgment will dawn tomorrow; in that case we shall gladly stop working for a better future. But not before.

I'm not sure how or what or where I will go, yet one day at a time.