8500 steps (or Why I am [briefly?] stepping away from the fight for liberty)

My last flag? Time will tell....

I dreamed last night I could squat. Not that I could do them, like an exercise, although subsequently in the dream I did do them repeatedly, but initially it was that I merely COULD do one. One squat turned into maybe ten? And I was so surprised/thrilled/curious. How in the world did my measly daily stretches allow for SQUATS?

(And what exactly does this have to do with the step count?)

[And the more pertinent question: Why am I pulling the plug, perhaps only temporarily, on my seemingly thorough dedication to raising as much joyful hell as possible?]

I've been sleeping poorly, until last night. This past night I got nearly NINE HOURS of slumber, badly needed and gratefully received. Why did I rest so decently, other than eventually sleep wins? Maybe because last night I made the executive decision to unplug from Bluesky during Lent. Actually, I'm going to begin that Lenten fast a little early; I'll be done tomorrow after posting the last Black History Month entry. In fact, I plan to uninstall Bluesky from my phone today, using the computer for tomorrow's addition. I'll be folding my flags, carefully storing them away, probably on hangers in a closet. It's not just Bluesky I need to flee, but reality itself.

How did this happen? Future Me just admonished me to raise a little hell! How did she stand there, lying through her teeth, fully aware that a few days later I'd throw in the towel; maybe that's why she's not been hanging out lately, unable to view up close my activism that she knew was about to come to a sudden HALT. I don't fault her for that; spoilers are hard to keep to oneself. She said, "Raise a little hell." I did. Now I need to decompress.

Will my dearth of activity last all of Lent? Easter is on 20 April this year, that's an ironic coincidence, especially here in Humboldt County. I can't say, I'm barely grasping that 1) I'm making this huge decision, 2) I slept well, and 3) Could I actually do one squat?

Can I truly do squat concerning America's current political horror show is another meaningful query. All I know is this morning I woke after so much decent, necessary rest! And that the call on my heart to dial WAY BACK is sincere. I can't ignore that, not even when future marches, boycotts (Of which I will participate!), and who knows what else lingers on the horizon. I will assuage my lack of engagement by noting within how much I have done; protests attended, calls made, letters written, etc, etc, etc. Am I fearing burnout if this pace is continued, is this some kind of preparatory reset button being pushed? Maybe. But more is that my life, for as much as I love it and all I despise occurring within my nation, is also claimed by Christ. And if Lent isn't the best time to abscond, then reflect, when is?

Abscond is an intriguing word for this situation, for it mildly insinuates I have done something wrong for which I need to flee. Being a Christian currently in America carries a stigma when viewed by the left, for how duped Christians on the right are. Duped or purposely ignoring the tenets of what Jesus Christ claimed is certainly debatable, but I sense how misappropriated is my faith, both by those who share it and those who find it deplorable, meaningless, as without reason like all that is happening in Washington D.C., except those savageries have PLENTY of meaning. But what does being aligned to an invisible and unproven deity matter when millions of Americans claim that same belief system yet harness it to evil? Maybe that's what my Lenten journey will be focused on, praying for all those who are using Love to cause harm. 

Maybe it will also be about not judging others, ahem. Maybe.

All I know is that this week I thought I needed to get 8500 steps, but actually I only needed to accrue eight thousand. I've been slowly increasing my step count for the last month, adding five hundred per week, and I assumed one reason was to make my protesting efforts less traumatizing to my legs and feet. And it did alleviate aches and pains; I've been feeling pretty damned good while out on the pavement, woo hoo! But yesterday I saw on my kitchen calendar that I'd misread last Saturday's goal. Instead of 8500, all I needed to achieve this week was 8000. Maybe five hundred fewer steps doesn't seem like much, but this week it felt MASSIVE. And it was, because inadvertently I had increased by a thousand last week's goal. I will dial it back today and tomorrow, then on Saturday hit that 8500 with gusto, because maybe after Lent I'll return to my yappy activism with necessary impetus. I don't want to dive more deeply into the future than that. I *MIGHT* need to be wholly committed to whatever protesting activities are necessary. As long as squats aren't required, I will probably be all in.

Yet until Monday, the twenty-first of April, I require a break. Mentally, emotionally (although how untethered I can manage remains to be seen), even physically, not that I plan to incorporate squats into the exercise routine. I could certainly, or I could TRY, but I'm feeling good body-wise and don't need to wreck myself. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, I hear Past Me mutter, a refrain I learned from my youngest daughter well over a decade ago. Not that my efforts have been wrong, yet for now they must be curtailed. I will pray for all those continuing the fight, for that's what it is, a battle for the soul and sake of my nation. Some might scoff: What can prayer accomplish?

I don't know, but I'm about to find out.