All the things later realized
Not to give away spoilers, but in revising The Timeless Nature of Patience, the sixth Alvin's Farm book, I was stunned to find how much of my family's history was included.
Veiled yes, but pertinent. Especially in the wake of my mom's passing, which occurred six years ago on the upcoming solstice.
What I realize now, a good dozen years after I wrote the above passage, is mostly due to what Mom told me shortly before she died. How she prayed for all of her kids to not make the same mistakes in life she did.
What's especially poignant is that three of us five weren't her biological offspring, me included. Yet she thought of us as hers, although my natural brother disliked her intently. Much as Tanner hated Alana, my brother Joe loathed our stepmom.
She knew it, loved him anyways. When Mom shared her insights, she didn't differentiate between her natural children, her sons, her daughters. We were five, although Joe was dead by then. Yet she still loved him.
When I wrote the prose above, Mom was still alive. She was Alana, perhaps I couldn't fully acknowledge that. But she was, and only now do I grasp the wonderful Mom she was, and how her prayers to this day affect our lives. Prayers that she could not apply to herself, in hoping we would return her affections. She didn't feel she deserved our love because of mistakes made, which to this day haunts me somewhat. It used to torture me more, but again, she's still praying for me in the best possible place, and through that love, my regrets have diminished.
I don't know if I'm a writer because all this forgiveness needs to be relayed, maybe I am. So many things to consider as I age, as time passes, as pain fades away.
So much love to be grateful for, and to pass along.
