Keeping all the beloveds

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September carries significance for me, birthdays of those I deeply love alongside the loss of my brother Joe, who took his life twenty-nine years ago. These joys and sorrows are carefully balanced within my heart, many for whom I pray.

Last year I wrote a post about Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Again it's that time of year. I don't know why autumn was chosen to highlight it, but I certainly feel it, as my niece took her life in October of 2019. She was about the same age as my brother when he died, not sure what that means in the grand scheme, other than those in their mid-twenties, with so much ahead of them, slip away to a place which I pray is far more peaceful than the realm they left.

988 is the number to call or text if you need help. For veterans, call 988 and press 1 to connect with counselors who understand your experiences. We want to love you here and now.

Yet, I understand that sense of despair, feeling one's existence holds no purpose; when I was I fifteen, I tried to end my life. Took a bunch of sleeping pills, then woke in a hospital. Why did I survive and people just as precious did not? I truly do not know.

My brother knew my history, probably not my niece. Another in my family also realized what I'd attempted, but that didn't stop her from ending her life months after I'd tried it. Why is that?

It's because depression can be lethal. Hopelessness and unworthiness are powerful emotions that wipe out the beauty of who we are. The preciousness of our lives is swiftly negated by such inner devastation, leaving a shell who cannot grasp the treasure of their being. It's heartbreaking for them, also for us trying to find in our hearts, minds, and souls how to navigate the emptiness their deaths leave within us, and why how much we loved them couldn't penetrate the darkness.

If someone you know is struggling, tell them you love them. They might brush you off, but keep at it. Perhaps it will save their life. If they choose a different response, please know it is not your fault, and be gentle on your heart. Grieve however allows you to heal. Healing matters, oh my goodness, and it will happen. Not quickly, but eventually. And depending on your view of faith, well, that healing extends far beyond what our limited vision perceives. For here I am on this day, forty-five years after trying to end my life, twenty-nine years after Joe did that very thing, telling you to hang in there for you are precious, you are loved.

988 is the number to call or text if you need help. For veterans, call 988 and press 1 to connect with counselors who understand your experiences. We want to keep loving you in this life!

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